31 Days of Awesome Relationships : : Day 9 - Creekside Ministries

Back on Day 1, I invited our 31 Day readers to shoot me a quick email with a question about some kind of relationship issue ... a dilemma, a choice, or a challenge sitting right in front of you.? Within hours, this letter found its way to my inbox?...
How do you close one chapter and move onto the next ... not getting bitter and hateful when you get dropped as a friend?

I had a group I thought I was close with ... and I went thru a hard time in my marriage -- and my (youth pastor) hubby had to resign from his job so we could go get help ... My husband and I have gotten to a great place & God has been so good to restore.

Problem is, we are still in town so reminders and old friends are everywhere ... of those, I talk to 2 girls.? That huge group ... just shunned us. That hurt as much as the stuff I was going thru in my marriage.

For a while I was so angry. First at God, but then he showed me that I was so hurt because the church didn't act like the church ... the very people who should have been bearers of grace and compassion and love, weren't.??

I don't want it to still hurt, but it does. I invested and poured out my life for 4 1/2 years into those relationships, and then we had to leave and it's like we never existed or made a difference or were important to anyone.

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My response ...

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Thank you, A, for your note.? It sounds like alot has happened in quick order and it's left your heart broken, your head spinning, and your life empty.

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First of all, I am truly sorry for the challenge that's hit your marriage, and thankful that God has begun to bring hope and healing there.? These difficulties surely have been magnified because your husband is a pastor.? Any choices or decisions that have been made within your marriage have not only affected your family, but impacted your church family as well.

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That has, most likely, left your friends?feel like the rug has pulled out from under them, and left them feeling confused, disappointed, hurt.??They probably aren't quite sure what to do with all these painful emotions.? And yes, the result would be exactly as you've written ... they have pulled away.? They are grieving the loss of their pastor and his wife, their church family as it was, and the warm, safe experience of an intact community.

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In order for you to go on without bitterness, you must continue to do what you've already started to do ... grieve the lost dream of a picture perfect marriage and the departure of your church family and friends.? While so much of what has occurred has been out of your control, making the choice to refuse to haul this painful stuff around?is a pivotal decision that, with God's strength,?you have the power to?make.??

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A few things that might help ...

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1.? Journaling can be a huge tool to help you unpack all the very real emotions that are swirling around right now.? Many of us begin this spiritual discipline when we've just about hit bottom.? This is a great grief, and there's no better Person to walk you through this valley than the Lover of your soul.? Invite God right into the middle of your crisis and name your hurts and the feelings of abandonment so they don't get stuffed down into your soul and begin to form bitter roots that will only lead to bitter fruit {Hebrews 12:15}.??

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2.? I'd encourage you and your husband to be involved in?some ongoing marriage counseling so that you can explore?the roots of what led to this situation, and make plans for improved communication in the future.? There might be the need for one or both of you to benefit from?individual counseling, as well.

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3.? You mentioned that you are still in touch with two friends.? See if you are able to re-cultivate those relationships outside the church setting, focusing on all the common interests and enjoyable activities that you've shared together.? Please steer clear of conversation about anything to do with the church, and see if you can foster a new, richer bond.

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4.? This isn't easy, but it's time to begin to expand your borders and discover some new relationships that will bring you hope, cultivate some hidden potential, or simply get you out of the house.? If you ever wanted to take a class, volunteer, join a book club or Bible study, now's the time.? I'm assuming that you are looking for a new church family.? I trust that God will give you the gracious gift of 'wounded healers' there who will warmly welcome you into a new community.? My prayer is that you will discover those 'bearers of grace and compassion and love' that you?so long for.

5.? This final step could be the most powerful in your healing.? Would you commit to praying for your former church family?for just 1 minute a day?? Chances are that many of those you?poured out your life for are experiencing some of the same emotions that you are.
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Warmly ~

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P.S.? That Day 1 welcome mat is still out ... feel free to?write to me here. * ??? * ??? *

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Source: http://creeksideministries.blogspot.com/2012/10/31-days-of-awesome-relationships-day-9.html

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